Chicago...Farewell to My Father

This is the way I first remembered my father and what a long and storied life he's had. He's written his memoirs and I've been privileged to read some early drafts. I visited two years ago to celebrate his 95th birthday but this time, it was time to say goodbye--God be with ye; auf weidersehen--till we see each other again. In heaven, God-willing. We lamented the distance between us--the consequence of transportation (his area of expertise) and laughed about it.

Just a month ago, my stepmother Lena had taken him to physical therapy. It was the last time he walked. He's completely disabled now and the doctors found inoperable cancer in several places, so he's on hospice care at home.

The cats helped me pack :) It was so sad to see him in this state, but especially because he lives in constant pain. Losing autonomy is hard for a man like him who has always been in control of things. It's very humbling. But he's been given a lot of grace to accept things as they are. He is very blessed to have a loving and devoted wife, as well as a caregiver who is truly affectionate and compassionate. They also have a good network of neighbors and friends they can lean on. We had a special evening with live music--one of their neighbors sang beautiful ragas (Indian classical music). My father forgot his pain--his face relaxed. Music is so healing.     

  

I was grateful to have this time together with him and Lena. When my father dozed, Lena and I would chat. One of the most delightful things I discovered was the high-chair that belonged to her as a child. I also found how much Lena loves art--she had pencil and paint sets and beautiful books on Monet, Indian art, and Japanese brush paintings for me to look through. It was good to have this creative outlet, esp. since I'm new to this. At night, I would pray, read, and write. And I was most grateful to have the opportunity to pray the Holy Rosary and Divine Mercy by my father's bedside while he slept in one morning. Such peace! I came across a quote from Elder Ephraim: Be rest assured that as long as God allows you to live it is a guarantee from Him that He is waiting for you (to repent).  May the angels bring him to heaven when he takes his last breath. Please pray for him.

Experimenting with Leaves

For Michael's birthday, we'd gone for barbecue and a brewery. It was such a lovely afternoon sitting in the shade with the cool breeze the entire time. I collected some leaves and have been playing with them. It is fun to paint on them, decoupage them. Their natural markings and texture are a great addition. Tried to capture the view on one leaf, the moment when a flock of egrets took flight. I get a lot of inspiration from other artists and I absolutely loved Madonna of the Bees so I tried my version. Those little black spots on the leaf could be bees! 

Our Lady of Victory

On this Feast of Our Lady, I was so happy to read the daily Gospel from Luke 10:38-42. It is exactly what I needed. 

Jesus entered a village where a woman whose name was Martha welcomed him. She had a sister named Mary who sat beside the Lord at his feet listening to him speak. Martha, burdened with much serving, came to him and said, "Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me by myself to do the serving? Tell her to help me." The Lord said to her in reply, "Martha, Martha, you are anxious and worried about many things. There is need of only one thing. Mary has chosen the better part and it will not be taken from her."

And what better way than to pray the Holy Rosary given to St. Dominic. It's like sitting at the feet of Mary as she tells us the greatest story. And it happens to be the most powerful weapon against evil. Our Lady, Queen of Peace, pray for us. 

My Guardian Dear

Happy Feast of Guardian Angels. 

We know each of us has a guardian angel. But how often do we ask for his help? 

The first time I realized my guardian angel was my best hope was when I was scheduled to teach three workshops at a Christian writing conference several hours away by car. I woke up with a horrible migraine and cried as I wondered how I would manage the drive. I did not want to be unprofessional and cancel at the last minute. I cried because there is an element of shame in being chronically ill—I suffer from migraine headaches that can debilitate me for nearly half the days in a month—and I did not want to admit how weak I was. So, I prayed to my angel to bring me safely there and back. 

I still don’t know how I made the long drive. I put on my Rosary CD, and then listened to the Gospel of John, thinking how beautiful it would be to have Jesus upon my heart if I were to die. Not that I wanted to die. My children were still young. My husband would miss me. And I was loving my writing life even more since we had converted to Catholicism. I wanted everybody to have what I had—Jesus! 

And boom! The revelation hit me—my guardian angel isn’t here just to protect me from bodily harm but to make sure I get to Heaven. Heaven! That’s the goal. 

God loves us so much He appoints an angel from the moment of our conception to guard and protect us from all dangers, and to guide us to our eternal home. This awareness, which I’ve had since I was a small child, still astounds me. As a child, I had complete trust in God’s protection. But the problem of suffering, so present in my life, was difficult to reconcile with belief in an omnipotent God. So, at age twelve I lost my faith, and ended my invocations to my guardian angel. But, without my knowledge, my angel was still guiding me. 

I am very thankful to my angel for protecting me from death during my twenties because had I died then, my intellect so clouded by sin, I might have rejected God’s mercy and gone to Hell. It is by the grace of God, and the patience and long-suffering of my guardian angel, that I’ve been able to hear His promptings and return to God, and when my plans derail, to pray “not my will but Thine.” 

I am also returning to that childhood state of complete trust and surrender. If I am anxious about anything, I ask my angel to take care of the situation. I call upon the guardian angels of my children when I’m at the brink of losing my patience. I also call upon the angels of the people to whom I want to be a faithful witness. What a comfort it is to draw upon heavenly assistance. 

Guardian angels carry our prayers and offerings to the throne of God; they come to the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass with us, and if we are unable to attend, as it was for many during the pandemic, we can ask our angel to go in our place to praise and adore our blessed Lord. These heavenly creatures are a gift to us. Let us always remember they are watching over us and want us to reach Heaven! Cultivate a relationship with your angel. They are God’s gift to each of us. 

Dear angel! Ever at my side. 

How loving must thou be 

To leave thy home in Heaven 

to guard a guilty wretch like me. 

~ Fr. Frederick William Faber (AD 1814-1863)

This article was published in Shalom Tidings Sept. 2022 issue: https://shalomtidings.org/my-guardian-dear/

Blessed Hermann the Cripple

I can't believe I've not written about one of my favorite saints, Bl. Hermann the Cripple until now. It's his feast day today. I discovered him when I looked to see who might have composed the Salve Regina, a Marian chant we sing at the end of praying the Rosary. Many of the chants are so old, we don't have the names of the monks who composed them, so what a delight to discover this saint. 

His story is especially moving because despite being completely helpless, he contributed so much not only to his contemporaries, but to us. Born with many disabilities--cleft palate, spina bifida, cerebral palsy--he was given to the Benedictine monastery when his parents could no longer care for him at age seven. He must have been a very curious child and the monks must have cared for him with a great deal of attention because he became proficient in languages, mathematics, music, astronomy, and much more. He became a Benedictine monk at the age of 20 and has given us some of the most beautiful hymns that we sing more than a thousand years later--the Salve Regina, Alma Redemptoris Mater, Veni Sancte Spiritus.

Pray for us, Blessed Hermann, that we may use the gifts God has given us to glorify Him.

Art of Flow Discovery Class

This summer I've taken several online classes, but Art of Flow was my first art class. I've been going to First Friday Crafternoons with Edie at our library for a couple of years now--it's two hours of exploration and play. I used to sketch a lot as a child (and get punished for it because it was in the school notebooks, or on the walls, oy) so I stopped. Oh, I still doodled and even made a couple of homemade books with stick figures for the kids when they were little, but my creative energy was focused on writing and then music. What a balm it has been. And now something new!

I can't tell you what a gift it is to be a beginner. To play. The older I get, the more I return to my child-self. 

I came into this class thinking I'd like to paint four seasons since we'd be working with four panels. But I let go of all expectations that first day as we began exploring colors--opposites. Then came tissue papers for collaging. On a whim I painted some words too. Why not? I love words. I collected leaves, grass, and flowers, since I love organic materials and natural textures. But oh boy, did I discover that they are a pain to work with the following day. I probably didn't have the proper glue either...but I pressed ahead. My "believe" panel got ruined when I began glazing, so the next couple of days were spent trying different things to salvage it. I wanted to scrape away all the tissue paper, but I decided to see where it might go. So painted over the bits I didn't like, added more tissue paper. 

I discovered that I liked painting the leaves! I added some feathers and tiny words, sand and seashells. I'm still not completely happy with these, but I learned so much, and a lot applies to my writing life. I'm learning to let go of expectations, to sit with uncertainty, to sit with questions. Below, the evolution, the process. Strangely, they tell me a story in the order I've place them at the end. 

 

There was a private FB group for those of us taking the class and some of the paintings were so breathtaking. It gives me hope for my own journey. Gabbi would do a reading before the start of class and share a poem or quote. Some favorites:

Consider all the unknown possibilities for joy. What will thrill you? What might you love that you don't even know yet? What are you certain there is more of? ~ Rhonda Willers (Isolation Journals) inspired by Emily Dickinson's poem: I dwell in Possibility. 

One thing you must do is accept whatever comes of it without concern for the outcome. Otherwise you will be stuttering when you could be singing! ~ Stephen Wesley Gorton, Gabbi's friend and mentor.

Invariably the resistance to this exercise comes from a desire to be in control, and a fear of being out of control. Concern for the outcome becomes the impediment. The desire for control is the left-brain intellect wagging its finger at you because it thinks that your well-being resides exclusively in the known. ~ SWG

Do whatever brings you to life. Follow your own fascinations, obsessions, and compulsions. Trust them. Create whatever causes a revolution in your heart. ~ Elizabeth Gilbert

On the Journey Home

Several years ago, when I wrote my Love Story, a commentator encouraged me to contact Marcus Grodi, host of the Journey Home Program. It is one of my favorite shows on EWTN and my husband and I watched it every Monday night for many years. So I contacted them (a year later) and I received instructions for writing my testimony for the newsletter, which I subscribed to. I began, only for it to fall off the radar, with the publication of BOUND. So imagine my surprise and delight to be invited to be on the show! I said yes!

 

Much has changed. I didn't realize Marcus retired; his son, JonMarc, now hosts the show. I hadn't watched any for a couple of years because my barbershop practice is on Monday nights, the same night that the show airs. They are archived on their website, so I was able to catch up on a few conversion stories--so very inspiring. 

As I prepared for giving my own testimony, I was first concerned with looking and sounding good, as good as I write, but by the grace of God I realized the focus was all wrong. This is HIS story, what He is doing in my life. So Monday night, after a sumptuous Greek dinner, I tuned in to my barbershop rehearsal. I learned the next morning that Rakhi was running lines for her musical :)

I brought books from my Catholic writing group as gifts to the wonderful staff--Matt Swaim, who contacted me (he's been reading this blog for a while); Rakhi McCormick, communications coordinator; Bill, studio manager (who really needs to share his conversion story more widely); and Alyssa, makeup artist. Don't we clean up nicely? Another convert, Chris Kellam, also flew in for taping so we all had wonderful conversations during the time we had together. I discovered that speaking on air is so very different than writing because it's extemporaneous. I had to back-track; I cried; I wondered whether something I said might hurt another. But I received insights too, that I am still processing. I'll be sure to post a link when my episode is live. Below, Bill and Rakhi and Matt making sure all the technology is working properly. Being in the studio made me want to make an audio recording of BOUND.

I don't travel much because of my poor head, but I was able to manage pain well. Everything went smoothly, even coming home. I kept noticing that the departure time kept getting delayed and delayed and once I realized I wouldn't make my connecting flight to Charleston, I asked to be re-routed. I did not want to spend the night in Philadelphia. I ended up in DC for a couple of hours and learned that Max was at a rooftop party to celebrate the anniversary of Apollo 11. Oh, how I would've loved to join in the fun--knowing Max, it would've been a blast. See: The Butterworths Man #2 - by Bart - Kill All Foodies. For all I know, he might have had a hand in my interview at Journey Home, by his encouragement to write for The Lamp. I'm highly motivated to write a full-length spiritual memoir because there are so many riches to share. Deo gratias! 

Thanks be to God I arrived home Tue night in time to make my Wed appts. The first thing we did after work was to go to the beach--it was windy and I got smacked down by the waves but so happy to be home with Michael again. I'm encouraging him to write his testimony too. His story. All history is HIS story!!!