Monday, October 13, 2014

On Being a Vegetarian and World History

My daughter, who occasionally goes through phases where she says she's a vegetarian got this tee-shirt for her dad's birthday. Of course, all he has to do is cook some steak or ribs ... and the phase is over.

Every time Michael wears this shirt, I am reminded of this hilarious essay. I do not know who the author is, but if you know, please let me know in the comments:

For those that don't know about history ... Here is a condensed version:

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1 . Liberals, and
2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. Those became known as girlie-men. Some note worthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud or Miller.They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, engineers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots and generally anyone who works productively.
Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history:

It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above.

A Conservative will simply laugh.

And there you have it, History 101.


Mirka Breen said...

Not even a smidgen of PC, but super funny. I can laugh, even though conservatives have called me a liberal.

Leandra Wallace said...

I love me some meat! Though it has to have sauce. Steak w/out A1? No way, :)

Faith E. Hough said...

:) I guess I am a conservative with liberal sushi-eating tendencies!

Marcia said...

Love the t-shirt. I guess I'm a conservative who has not swallowed all the, ahem, game. :)

MollyMom103 said...

Love the t-shirt.

I am not much of a producer. I do not eat raw fish or red meat. Hmm. I don't drink alcohol. No clue where I belong. And that the way I roll.

I miss you, dear Vijaya. I hope that happy good things just wrap around you. And no headachy migrainy times.

Vijaya said...

Mirka, I'm glad you can laugh easily.

Leandra, you must be from the Midwest!

Faith, I grew up vegetarian, and in our culture women don't go to the meat market. That's still a man's job even if he cannot hunt.

Marcia, you crack me up!

Molly, methinks you produce beautiful stories!!! Thank you for the good wishes.