What am I doing reading a mid-life crisis book? My friend, Kristy Dominiak wrote it, that's why! It's not the typical thing I read, but I was surprised to find myself swept up in a tale that could happen to anybody. A general dissatisfaction with "is there all there is?" along with the desire of having some excitement in a marriage led Kristy deeper into discovering who she really is.
I enjoyed your book very much Kristy, and have a
new respect for having come through the challenges of dealing with your past
without wrecking your marriage. I have an even greater respect for your
husband.
Congratulations
on the publication of The Shaken Snow Globe. It is a very intimate portrait of
a woman trying to find meaning in her life. You have bared yourself. Did you
have any fears going public with this? What do you hope for?
Most
of my fears came from wondering if the story was well-written. Since I am not a
trained writer I was insecure about whether or not my story would read smoothly
and resonate with readers. Ironically, I did not have fears about going public
with the personal nature of my story. Unlike the woman in the beginning of the
book, my self-worth no longer comes from what others think I am (external
labels), but from who I am on the inside. Since my husband and children
supported the telling of my truths and love me for who I am, I had nothing to
fear. My hope was to bring light to those who are living in shame and show that
all humans can stop living in fear and are worthy of true joy.
Well,
I’d say you are a natural storyteller! You needn’t have worried one bit.
Whilst
reading your book, I got the feeling that “Is this all there is?” is not as
uncommon as we’d like to think. I have thought this very thought at various
stages in my life – as a student, a scientist, and a stay-at-home mom. Do you
think our culture is setting up our girls for disappointment? I am concerned
that young women nowadays are not preparing even remotely for marriage and motherhood.
I
believe the thought “Is this all there is?” stems from a culture that has
emphasized the pursuit of happiness as an external thing. As a culture we have
a tendency to think, “Once I get this or do this, then I will be happy.” I
don’t believe true happiness can be found in the external, but only within our
own faulty skin. If we continue to promote looking outside of ourselves for
happiness and love, then yes we are setting our children up for disappointment.
If one can learn to unconditionally love her imperfect self, then she can
unconditionally love another imperfect human. One cannot give what she doesn’t
have for herself. I learned to love myself exactly where I am, and thus can
truly love others exactly where they are, including a husband and children.
Your
faith is very important to you. Yet I was surprised that even being raised in
the Church did not prevent you from flirting with the “near occasion of sin.”
Do you think the preparation you received as a young woman enough? What do you
wish you’d been taught or told that would’ve saved you from some of the
heartache you went through? What would you do differently for your own
children?
I
think my religious preparation focused on the rules of the church, not the
heart of the church. My faith stemmed from knowing about God, without
really knowing God. Religious rules defined my self-worth and I believed
I could earn love from God and others. I wish I would have been taught love is
not earned - it’s unconditional. We try to teach our children there is a
balance between rules and heart, and we need both. Without compassion, rules
are just rules we will eventually break, because no human is perfect. The God I
now know loves us as perfectly imperfect humans. Heartache and failure
are inevitable, so the key component we talk about in our family is grace and
the true meaning of unconditional love. Love is not earned; it’s only received
with our free will.
You
make an excellent distinction between knowing about God vs knowing God as a
personal Father. As a convert, I found myself falling in love with the Person
of Jesus Christ and it has made all the difference in the world.
Forgiveness
is a huge part of your book. I’ve heard that it is one of the hardest things to
live with – a sense of betrayal. Please share some tips on truly forgiving,
even if you cannot forget.
In
order to forgive, I believe you have to forgive yourself first. I learned it is
not my fault if someone wrongs me. I am not to blame if I love a person who
then betrays me. I cannot predict evil acts nor expect perfection from human
beings. When I was able to acknowledge my own faults, forgive and love myself,
then I was able to do the same for others. True forgiveness can come to light
through humility and compassion. I learned to love my perfectly imperfect self
the way God loves us all. When I experienced that kind of unconditional love, I
could truly forgive others of their imperfections, because mine are forgiven
too.
PTSD.
I’m coming across this more and more in casual conversations. Are you
discovering that more women have experiences like yours they bury in a closet?
Do you still struggle with it?
Unfortunately, more women than I care to
count have come forward with their stories of assault. Some are speaking their
truths out loud for the first time. I see a common theme for the secrecy –
shame. Women ask themselves the same questions, “Could I have prevented this?”
“How could I love someone who would do this?” “Why didn’t I stop it?” Buried
thoughts like these can fester like an undetected disease effecting every
aspect of life. My trauma had stopped me from feeling worthy of being loved and
trusting my heart, and unbeknownst to me, I was self-sabotaging my
relationships. I did not have internal self-worth. PTSD treatment shed the light
needed to see my hidden wounds and be able to address healing them. By not
hiding in shame, I hope to give other women courage to escape the darkness. We
can’t heal what we don’t acknowledge; we can’t acknowledge what we can’t see.
Life is always evolving, and I am always learning more about my true self. My
challenge is to stay vulnerable and open, despite my fears of being hurt or
feeling shame. There is no shame or fear when you live in the light.
Shame.
It’s a terrible thing to live with. I know this too well … and I still
struggle. Perhaps your book will give me the courage to be honest and humble as
well.
What’s
next? Are you writing another book?
To be honest, I’m not sure
what’s next in the big picture. For now, I am enjoying meeting the wonderful
women that have come out of the shadows to discuss their lives with me. It has
been a humbling experience and I am blessed by the positive feedback from so
many women. I haven’t ruled out writing another book, but for now I am peaceful
letting God lead me down my next path. In the meantime, I’ve been asked to
write short inspirational tips for 30 Second Mom.com. This endeavor will keep
me writing and fully engaged with my spiritual journey.
Yes!
I’m glad you will keep on writing. The world needs your voice.
Is
there anything else that you’d like to talk about?
Thank
you for this opportunity to express myself beyond the book. People often ask,
“Why put your family in the public spotlight and share all the intimate details
of your life?” It is a fair question and one I do not take lightly. Going
public with the good, bad and ugly of one’s life is not for everyone. I would
not have shared mine without the blessing of my entire family. I could have led
a happy life without making my life public; however, I would have not felt
fulfilled. I want others to feel the same peace that has graced my life. Since
my prior worth had been defined by my pride, self-righteous rule following, and
external attributes, I had to demonstrate true transformation is possible by
setting pride aside and providing for others the hope of change. Life is a
never ending journey, and despite our flaws, all humans are worthy of peace,
joy and love. Thank you for taking an interest in my story.
Blessings,
Kristy Dominiak
Thank YOU, Kristy for taking the time to write such thoughtful and beautiful answers to my questions. I pray that Shaken Snow Globe will find its readers and give them hope and courage and joy.
You can learn more about Kristy at her website.
Blessings,
Kristy Dominiak
Thank YOU, Kristy for taking the time to write such thoughtful and beautiful answers to my questions. I pray that Shaken Snow Globe will find its readers and give them hope and courage and joy.
You can learn more about Kristy at her website.
3 comments:
Congratulations to Kristy for the courage to bear her inner-most tribulations. This is an act of courage in itself. She can call herself a writer because A. she wrote, and because B. bearing one's soul for others to see is what artists do.
Mirka, I agree completely!
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